Monday, February 7, 2011

"A walk to remember..."

We pulled in front of the gate thinking, do i really need to do this? Or just go back? A voice inside me cries out to do it. A voice from the vehicle says make it quick, will wait around the corner. I promised will not take longer.
I am passing by the huge security gate, hoping not to be stopped by any of them. I have no clue what will i say if he asks me where am I heading? I fixed my eyes on the ground, not planning to look at anyone. Not giving the opportunity to be noticed, i reached for my pocket, pulled out my mobile and started dialing. Whom should i call? I really don’t want to talk to anybody now. So I called the familiar no, listening to the recorded voice 'the number you are trying to reach is temporarily not in use' which am used to hearing for months now. I kept calling till I crossed the gates and entered into one of the very famous and busy medical university in the city.

Lot of people walking here and there, out patients, visitors walking in and out, doctors walking with their coats on, they are the god & goddesses of this world. Everybody respects them, trust them, get inspired by them, inspite of their age, everyone look upto them for miracles, surrendering their life in the hands of white dressed angels with the stethoscope! The stone benches are all filled with people waiting outside, sitting under the shadows of huge trees eating their packed food, taking a little nap till their visiting time comes, few are deep in their prayer in temple for saving the life of their loved ones. Green uniformed men and women are everywhere cleaning, taking breaks, chatting. On the right is the parking area, hospital buildings, emergency wards, maternity ward, canteen etc..

I quickly turned left hoping not to be seen by any of the green uniform men or the security. There are no trace of people on this side. Now am moving in fast phase not to be chased by anybody. I turn swiftly to see if am being followed and then felt relaxed as nobody was yelling or running with the stick behind me. Its calm and green with nice landscaping, this place is beautiful. I don’t see any unhappy or worried faces here. May be this is very reason why i hated hospitals, i hate the smell of medicines, smell of phenol, smell of death & pain and hate those boring long worried faces, those colorless walls, even a friend or visitors walking in gets infected with the mood. No one smiles except when a new baby is born in the maternity ward or unless you tip the ward boy/attendant generously.

I wish they change this atmosphere. They can paint each n every room colorfully. They can even arrange some fresh flowers next to each bed which will bring some sense of hope for seeing another beautiful day. They can have some soothing music, a nice paintings of a young upcoming artists or even when doctors, nurses, family or friends walks in can smile at them or do talk to them cheerfully can do wonders to the patients instead of starring at those depressing faded walls or the grumpy faced nurses or the weeping member of the family. Few patients spend their last few days of life in here with the pain of disease and the fear of death, which can be spent colorfully without being reminded again & again about the end of his life. The irony is, a man is running around struggling all his life for a happy and good living, isn’t it fair we give him a nice goodbye? Everybody deserves it.

I keep my thoughts running while am walking. Now i see it. I can see that from here. I suddenly feel the heaviness in my heart, eyes are getting clouded, i slowed down finding difficult to move now, all of a sudden my weight is increased and my legs are not able to carry me. But am slowly dragging myself towards the building like i had been pulled by the magnetic force.

Now i see a long corridor connecting the three huge auditoriums. I remember the first time i walked in here on a cool winter day, when i was eighteen. This entire place was decorated so warmly, colorfully with lots of banners, lots n lots of peoples. When i walked in here i had no clue about the destiny n stuff. I was just like every other teenager, living a carefree life, having fun, friends, and college. Had no serious plans about future, enjoyed every day like it’s the last day. Never had any goals nor focused on anything. I always wanted to do this, do that & do so many things on impulse. I'm a dreamer, a big time. I always have dreams, I used to get all sorts of fantasy dreams, magical dreams, i wished for that magical lamp or wands, which can be used for anything and everything, also power of being invisible, to be in many places at the same time, travel across the world free without wings, fighting all the evils. I know i know, nobody is gonna believe its my idea that was stolen by J.K. Rowling for creating that super character. Never mind am not gonna sue her for royalty. I must admit she executed it so well thou.

I wouldn't say i had an exciting life but not a worried life also. Just had a normal life. A well balanced one. I was independent, strong, with lot of curiosity, an urge to learn new things also to try different things. Earned trust among people for being straight and open with them. Anything i do, however complicated it might be, I wanted to do it in my unique way. A true Aquarian!
But that’s not the same girl walking here after 8 years. She doesn’t exist in me anymore. Now i have been possessed by a ruthless evil ghost.

I step into the left end of the corridor. Standing there, looking at it, am hit by sudden strike of unbearable pain inside me. Tears started flowing like a stream, my body is shaking, legs are giving up, am not able to stand now. I reached to the 3” ft parapet wall slowly balancing myself sat on that wall leaning to a pillar on my right facing the closed door of one of the three auditoriums.
This place was once busy, fully carpeted corridor filled with peoples from across the country. They were all seemed busy meeting exchanging the cards with the fellow physicians, surgeons, veterans sharing their knowledge and expertise.
So many stalls spread across, fighting with competitions to market their own products. I was amazed by all of it. Though i don’t belong to this world i enjoyed the atmosphere without knowing that this is the beginning of the road to the so called destiny. There was no sign of how important this day of life is going to be. I din feel any sense of overwhelming or warning.

It all started here, I had these butterflies dancing in my stomach. I see a man in a brown suite, lemony yellow shirt with a funny printed tie walking towards this side passing me with a smile. I met him this morning. Something with him, i don’t know what it is. He had this guy next door looks with a good humor and wits, and a fun going. I have to work with him for the next 4 days of this project. I felt comfortable with him the second day, more on third and fourth day. Still there is something wrong. Every time i see him, i have this butterfly feeling in my stomach which I don’t like.

That continued over days, and days passed by, whenever he is around the day has a star in my diary. It become so evident that stars are increasing and i enjoyed that day. This had grown over the years passed, we became so important to each other, also dependent on each other. Its turned out to be the world for two then U & I never existed. We are part of each other and for each other. Life is now filled with stars everyday. So many dreams, wishes, hopes, understanding, so much of love and fun. I forgot to worry or feel sad, always felt so secured; he is always there for me even before i ask. No one understood me like he did, I never had to say it to express it. Being loved is an amazing feeling on earth. I felt that myself for the first time ever in my life.

Life was at its best, so promising and full of excitement, a complete bliss. I woke up each morning looking forward to see him, to hear from him. I wished the nights to be short coz that’s when i don’t see him or talk to him. I wanted the days to be long and the road to be long. I insist to take a longer route instead of short to spend some more time with him. I hated going back home every time, he says its going to be a matter of time till we see again but that matter of time turns out to be ages for me without him. I kept thinking about all the sweetest thing that happened that day till i reach two blocks away from my home, there starts the panic i quickly think about all the possible excuses on earth to give for coming home late. I used to smile in the dark when i relive every second of the day I spent with him. Everything looks beautiful, everyday is happy day. I thanked god for this gift but he thought I had it enough. He was too busy to listen to my complete prayer where second part “..I wanted this life forever n more”. So suddenly everything was taken away from me.

I looked at the corridor, i see myself, am standing there with all my friends laughing, i see him there and his smile, am smiling at the thought of it. It’s so real i hear all voices, smiles, i smell the fragrance of the day, its fresh and real. Reality is sitting alone in the calm deserted corridor; sometimes even calmness is also scary. This place is very much associated with my life. Once an interesting and busy place, with lots of people and fun is now an empty skeleton structure standing without any life. Just like my life, so lonely and lifeless.

How i wish, u are also sitting here on the other end of the same corridor feeling what am feeling, seeing what i am seeing.
How i wish! I could go back to the very day I met u and relive those days again.
How I wish I could correct all those mistakes, those time I wasted on the stupid silly fights, those feelings I kept to myself without telling u how much I love u, how much I missed u, how lucky I am or how much u make me feel happy!
I wish this is all a dream. I wish, I wake up to call u and tell u what a horrible dream it was and I want to hear you comforting me. I will give all my life just to hear that voice now. I wish u are here to say its just a bad dream and am right here with you and will never ever leave u alone in my life..
After every silly fight, u always come back and talk to me like nothing ever happened, why don’t u just comeback now when I needed you the most. I am scared, am lonely, and am so petrified about everything. I run away from everything and everybody. Whenever am angry u always tries to do all sorts of funny things to make me smile, I forgot to smile or laugh these days. You have taken everything along with u. You have taken away my life, my happiness, dreams and my love. Whenever I used to think of u, I smile, but now every thought of u is bringing tears in my eyes and pain in my heart.

I miss u when something really good happens; coz u are the one I want to share it with. I miss u when something troubling me; coz u are the one who understands me well, I miss you when I smile or cry; coz u are the only one makes my smiles into laughter and dry my tears, I miss u almost all the time when I see anything and everything, I miss u the most when am awake without sleep in the night and think of all the wonderful times we spent together.
Everybody says time will heal all the wounds but it only proved me how much I am missing you every day. I miss the feeling of being loved and knowing no matter someone is there for me to talk to about anything, still I want that someone to be you. I so hate to live this life without you being around. I am so not able to bare this pain. I just want to cry out loud and scream my lungs out. Unable to sit there any longer, am so suffocating and my heart is frozen. I got up before it kills me here right at this moment. I wiped my tears I slowly composed myself and headed back afraid to turn back for one last sight coz I know that is going to collapse me.

Slowly walking back in silence with the heavily wounded heart, this time without any thoughts or any sense of surroundings, crossing the gate with the highly infected long worried boring unhappy face…

~ Mitha..

© Copyright 2011 Mitha’s All rights reserved.



  1. Hi Mitha,

    This is one moving post which I have read. I could relate to this very well. I wish I can comfort you with words but all I can do right now is think about my past and wonder where things went wrong.. Its a question thats never answered. Its sad that things happen this way and leaves us emotionally bankrupt. I wish you get what you wish for and what you long for.



  2. awesome madhu!!!Its like movie...well expressed!!! beautifully written...keep writing...


  3. Thanks Rajanna! Saw ur blog too..

    A true credit for an author is when u read it, u believe its real!!!

    Thanks again for your Comments:)

  4. @ Angel : Its all started coz of ur motivation dear;)

    Thanks again..:)

  5. Read a poem not to think what poet thought... Read it the way it will make you think... :).. Ever watched the movie Dead Poet Society? Your nice sentiments! :)... Keep writing..

  6. awwwwww.. Thats sooo sweet of u:)

    No i didn't watch it..

    Thanks Amal..:)

  7. It was like a movie.. Felt like following and sitting beside the character. Great narration.. Super :)