Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Heart, Mind, and Soul...!




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Amy is struggling so hard, there is an unbearable pain of knife nailed into her brain. She is screaming at the top of her voice but she knows no one can hear her. She is fighting with all her last bit of strength to open her eyes, to get out of this as quickly as she can. She lay there still, alone in her house; eyes wide open, still with the knife inside her head. The room is cold, her bones are chilled and sheets are wet covered with her sweat. The eyes are fixed to the ceiling, tears flowing down on either side. This has become her routine ritual now, she hardly sleeps these days, if she does, she wakes up with a horrible dream followed by a terrible pain, which refuses to leave her even after the dream has gone.
Her eyes alone moves tiredly towards her right, she sees a huge digital sign shows 7.32 AM she don’t remember when she slept or how long she was struggling with pain. It’s a cold winter day, but she is soaked with sweat. She sees the photo of Lia & her next to the watch. Her heart instantly leaped towards the innocent little girl.  Amy is suddenly filled with guilt, she is ashamed of herself, she failed Lia, she failed all her dream, failed her life and she is never going to be forgiven. Tears cover the face of Lia from Amy’s sight. She lay there in silence doesn’t want to move from where she is now. Threaded deeply into the thoughts of Lia.
Amy lives in a house full of memories. She is in mourning spree ever since she had been deceived by her own love. Her life is completely fallen apart and she never tried to realign it back together. So her life is always empty, nothing could fill the huge hollow caused by love. She feels soar and emotionless. The only feeling existed is pain, depression and anger. She heard love is painful but nobody has told it’s this painful; a suicidal pain. She had lost her soul or maybe he had taken it along with everything when he left. She is afraid of living, she is afraid of trusting; she had built a wall around her to stay away from everybody. She is afraid of the pain of betrayal. She had set her own boundaries; she woke up every morning with pain, she goes to work, earns to pay her bills; she needs a roof to hide herself, not for living. She wished for the day to end fast so that she can go back to her shell. She is making life only around nonliving things. Her companions are her couch & her bed. She could cuddle in the couch for hours when she has nothing to do but to live and relive all the memories, she could just lay still in her bed all night wrapped warmly with the covers and cry her heart out in the dark, for what has once been her life is now just a memory.
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 “Damn, Its 9.15 and I haven’t reached half way, am gonna be late for the meeting.” Christy looks at the watch every minute and wishing a minute could be longer than 60 seconds. She is so restless; she had a glimpse of herself in the rear view mirror – a frowned eyebrows, tensed eyes and pressure building her head. She tries to calms herself, “common Christy relax, you are anyways gonna be late just report it.” She texted and took a quick scan of the mails while the traffic is just snailing. She looks around the bustling traffic; tensed faces, honking impatiently, the irritated people are waiting to throttle like they are waiting for the wave of the checked flag.
She notices the pavement boards, shops, streets are all decorated with red, green and white, the signs of celebration. Christmas is around the corner. She quickly makes a note in her mental calendar that she needs to do some shopping for her Christmas tree. She want to decorate it all new this time, she is planning to bake a cake, roast her favorite chicken and a nice wine “Oh yeah, wine goes into the shopping list” and celebrate the Christmas comfortably alone in her house just like last year and the year before and almost all the years.
Christy likes only one thing, i.e, to try new things. She loves doing things which makes her adrenaline rush, doing difficult things, traveling to different places, trying different foods, meeting new people, infusing different culture, she never sticks to one for long she goes into next and then next, she is always full of spontaneity. When she doesn’t travel she loves to stay at home. She even changes her paint and decorations according to her moods but the house is always kept beautiful. Each and everything in the house is the reflection of her character, her taste, her passion, her mood and her artistic view.  She likes it more than a home coz after all it’s the only place on earth where she can come after a terrible exhausted day, even when the whole world doesn’t have a room for her she would come home, a place where she spends all her happiness, sorrows, loneliness, challenges and her celebrations.
Christy likes observing people and learning something from each and every person she meets. But at the same time she is detached with people. She doesn’t believe in relationships of any form. It’s not that she doesn’t have any friends she had lots but she seldom keeps in touch, few moved with life, few disappeared over a period, she welcomes it. She doesn’t believe in love, it’s not that she has never fallen in love. She had once been in love so truly, madly and deeply.  It’s a real love, like this real real love.  Since it’s real not a fairytale, she got her heart broken into pieces.  Though she took her own sweet time to deal with it, she bounced back with few missing pieces of heart. So her verdict goes like “never trust any men”, she doesn’t have room for anyone, coz for her all men are same. In a course of life she had been hurt by her own Family, her own Friends & her own Fate. She doesn’t cry for what happened, She smiles for what had already happened. She never let anything from her past takes over her present life. She snaps the thought of it by indulging herself into creating new things for her present. Christy’s eyes caught the bright red scarf girl in the bus, beautiful little girl with attractive eyes; those eyes are lost in thoughts somewhere. Those eyes are of Lia’s, those longing eyes. Christy feels so protective of Lia, She wishes she could protect her and she could give her everything she longed for. If there’s someone that Christy wanted to have from her past, its only Lia, she could have her for real.
                                                      ***
Lia, lived with her mother in a small town. She was not just another kid; she never had an ordinary life. She had challenges from the very day she had come to this world. She missed everything of what a every other child on this earth gets. She missed being loved, she missed being taken care of, she missed being looked after, and she missed hearing something kind and affectionate. She always longed for love, she longed when all the other kids talks about their mother and father. Lia was terrified of her mother, she had been always rude with her, she thought punishing is the only way for disciplined better life. But Lia knows her mother is wrong. All she wanted was a little love, she could do anything for that love but she could not tell her. She could never tell her what she wants and what she expects from her.
When she saw the mothers at her school feeding their children, when they speak so affectionately, when they hug & kiss their daughters and sons, she longed for someone to hug her with love, she had never been cuddled, hugged or kissed with love, she always wants to go home and run to her mother and give her a hug and smell the love of mother. She will look forward when her mom calls her name that she would say “love u Lia” she would wait to tell her “I love u too mama” but that never happened. She had never heard stories from her mother, all she heard is don’t do this, don’t do that. When she does something silly, her mom used to say ‘u better start behave like matured, don’t be so irresponsible’ but when she is intellectual she is been asked to ‘behave like a kid don’t act over smart’. Poor girl used to cry all night in the dark. She had never been close to her mom, they never had mom and daughter relationship, she never once been tucked in bed, never been told any bedtime stories, never been kissed goodnight. This little girl prayed for miracles to happen. She prayed every night that her mother would love her in the morning whereas every morning her dream has been electrified by her moms yelling until she wakes up and go to school.
She had become more and more depressed, once a topper in class is now hardly able to concentrate on her classes; as a result she has lost her grades and beaten up badly for that too. She always dreams for magic. She wanted the love, she wanted to play with her mother, laugh with her, eat and sleep with her. She is lost in thoughts on how to get that love from her mother. She keeps dreaming about winning her mom’s heart. But she couldn’t do anything. One day her mom had beaten her badly and she had gone out. Lia sat in the house crying forever till her tears completely drained. She then thought she can’t take it anymore so she decided to leave the house. To go somewhere, may be to a childcare home where at least she can be taken care of by the caretakers. She might get adopted by the parents who don’t have children, who would love her more than anything in this world. She thought someone must be waiting for her just like she is waiting for someone to be loved. She took money from her piggy bank, all her pocket money which she had saved. She is not sure whether this is enough.
She left the house from the back gate thinking if she goes by the front door somebody might see her or even her mom might return home in that way. So she walked out through the small dirty road and took the main road with only a purse full of coins. She is walking fast to reach the bus stand. She remembers her mom took her once to some place by train. So she needs to take a bus to the Train station. She is taking a detour to the bus stop not to be caught, walking running and walking simultaneously without knowing what she is heading to, what she would be doing, where she will go, she reached the bus stop. There were no buses so she stood next to few school kids so that nobody would notice her in the group. The bus came and she rushed to get in, but it seemed so crowded to get in. By that time, she saw her mother getting down from the bus her heart stopped beating. She was stunned and shaken. Suddenly she ran off before her mom sees her. Luckily her mom didn’t notice Lia in the crowd; she got down and started walking home. By this time the bus had left.
Lia just peeps from behind the wall and she doesn’t know what to do. She is so scared now, Bus is also gone, she stares at the bus till it turns left and disappeared. Now what? She has to reach home before her mother reaches home. She started running in the same direction she came in. She is not walking now she is running as fast as she can, just didn’t bother to say sorry to those she banged in the crowded streets. She entered the backyard, she dint know whether her mom reached home. She checks the front gate, it’s closed and there were no shoes of her mother. She took her book and started writing her homework when her mom opened the gate. Lia’s heart is beating so fast, did she notice her in the bus stop? Or maybe she didn’t. Her mom looked at her and asked y u look awful? what happened to you? Lia says eh..nothing mom, I’m having stomach pain. She said nothing doing finish your homework and go to bed.
Lia sat there writing something she doesn’t know what it is. Her tears smudging her hand writing. She doesn’t know what to do. She prays to god asking him to do something. She wanted to be loved by her mother, her classmates, her teachers, her neighbors and rest of the world too.. She didn’t see any changes in her life; she is losing hope on god too. She thought even the god doesn’t love her anymore. She doesn’t want to live like this; she wished for chronic illness where she knows she is going to be dead. Atleast then her mother will love her, everybody will love her, she would be well taken care of and she will get all the attention and affection. Poor girl doesn’t know the difference between love and affection. Lia made herself a promise that she will share the love she had not been gifted with. She can still teach the world how they should all be loved.
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Lia’s thoughts were disturbed by the sound of the ring; she ignored it since it’s not for her. She doesn’t have anyone calling for her.  Amy heard the phone ringing somewhere, its ringing continuously, its somewhere near her and it’s her phone.  She looks at the phone she is in no mood for any conversation now. Christy looks at the unknown number calling; she looks at the traffic, she’s hoping it’s a call from the client office to say the meeting is called off. Doubt she could make it there within 30 minutes. She answers the phone.
The voice on the other end says : “ Hello! Good morning, Am I speaking to Miss. Amylia Christy?”
Christy  : Yes! you are..
Caller     : I am calling on behalf of….

~ Mitha..

© Copyright 2011 Mitha’s All rights reserved.

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