Heart, Mind, and Soul...!

                                                             *

Amy is struggling so hard, there is an unbearable pain of knife nailed into her brain. She is screaming at the top of her voice but she knows no one can hear her. She is fighting with all her last bit of strength to open her eyes, to get out of this as quickly as she can. She lay there still, alone in her house; eyes wide open, still with the knife inside her head. The room is cold, her bones are chilled and sheets are wet covered with her sweat. The eyes are fixed to the ceiling, tears flowing down on either side. This has become her routine ritual now, she hardly sleeps these days, if she does, she wakes up with a horrible dream followed by a terrible pain, which refuses to leave her even after the dream has gone.

Her eyes alone moves tiredly towards her right, she sees a huge digital sign shows 7.32 AM she don’t remember when she slept or how long she was struggling with pain. It’s a cold winter day, but she is soaked with sweat. She sees the photo of Lia & her next to the watch. Her heart instantly leaped towards the innocent little girl.  Amy is suddenly filled with guilt, she is ashamed of herself, she failed Lia, she failed all her dream, failed her life and she is never going to be forgiven. Tears cover the face of Lia from Amy’s sight. She lay there in silence doesn’t want to move from where she is now. Threaded deeply into the thoughts of Lia.

Amy lives in a house full of memories. She is in mourning spree ever since she had been deceived by her own love. Her life is completely fallen apart and she never tried to realign it back together. So her life is always empty, nothing could fill the huge hollow caused by love. She feels soar and emotionless. The only feeling existed is pain, depression and anger. She heard love is painful but nobody has told it’s this painful; a suicidal pain. She had lost her soul or maybe he had taken it along with everything when he left. She is afraid of living, she is afraid of trusting; she had built a wall around her to stay away from everybody. She is afraid of the pain of betrayal. She had set her own boundaries; she woke up every morning with pain, she goes to work, earns to pay her bills; she needs a roof to hide herself, not for living. She wished for the day to end fast so that she can go back to her shell. She is making life only around nonliving things. Her companions are her couch & her bed. She could cuddle in the couch for hours when she has nothing to do but to live and relive all the memories, she could just lay still in her bed all night wrapped warmly with the covers and cry her heart out in the dark, for what has once been her life is now just a memory.

                                                        **

 “Damn, Its 9.15 and I haven’t reached half way, am gonna be late for the meeting.” Christy looks at the watch every minute and wishing a minute could be longer than 60 seconds. She is so restless; she had a glimpse of herself in the rear view mirror – a frowned eyebrows, tensed eyes and pressure building her head. She tries to calms herself, “common Christy relax, you are anyways gonna be late just report it.” She texted and took a quick scan of the mails while the traffic is just snailing. She looks around the bustling traffic; tensed faces, honking impatiently, the irritated people are waiting to throttle like they are waiting for the wave of the checked flag.

She notices the pavement boards, shops, streets are all decorated with red, green and white, the signs of celebration. Christmas is around the corner. She quickly makes a note in her mental calendar that she needs to do some shopping for her Christmas tree. She want to decorate it all new this time, she is planning to bake a cake, roast her favorite chicken and a nice wine “Oh yeah, wine goes into the shopping list” and celebrate the Christmas comfortably alone in her house just like last year and the year before and almost all the years.

Christy likes only one thing, i.e, to try new things. She loves doing things which makes her adrenaline rush, doing difficult things, traveling to different places, trying different foods, meeting new people, infusing different culture, she never sticks to one for long she goes into next and then next, she is always full of spontaneity. When she doesn’t travel she loves to stay at home. She even changes her paint and decorations according to her moods but the house is always kept beautiful. Each and everything in the house is the reflection of her character, her taste, her passion, her mood and her artistic view.  She likes it more than a home coz after all it’s the only place on earth where she can come after a terrible exhausted day, even when the whole world doesn’t have a room for her she would come home, a place where she spends all her happiness, sorrows, loneliness, challenges and her celebrations.

Christy likes observing people and learning something from each and every person she meets. But at the same time she is detached with people. She doesn’t believe in relationships of any form. It’s not that she doesn’t have any friends she had lots but she seldom keeps in touch, few moved with life, few disappeared over a period, she welcomes it. She doesn’t believe in love, it’s not that she has never fallen in love. She had once been in love so truly, madly and deeply.  It’s a real love, like this real real love.  Since it’s real not a fairytale, she got her heart broken into pieces.  Though she took her own sweet time to deal with it, she bounced back with few missing pieces of heart. So her verdict goes like “never trust any men”, she doesn’t have room for anyone, coz for her all men are same. In a course of life she had been hurt by her own Family, her own Friends & her own Fate. She doesn’t cry for what happened, She smiles for what had already happened. She never let anything from her past takes over her present life. She snaps the thought of it by indulging herself into creating new things for her present. Christy’s eyes caught the bright red scarf girl in the bus, beautiful little girl with attractive eyes; those eyes are lost in thoughts somewhere. Those eyes are of Lia’s, those longing eyes. Christy feels so protective of Lia, She wishes she could protect her and she could give her everything she longed for. If there’s someone that Christy wanted to have from her past, its only Lia, she could have her for real.

                                                      ***

Lia, lived with her mother in a small town. She was not just another kid; she never had an ordinary life. She had challenges from the very day she had come to this world. She missed everything of what a every other child on this earth gets. She missed being loved, she missed being taken care of, she missed being looked after, and she missed hearing something kind and affectionate. She always longed for love, she longed when all the other kids talks about their mother and father. Lia was terrified of her mother, she had been always rude with her, she thought punishing is the only way for disciplined better life. But Lia knows her mother is wrong. All she wanted was a little love, she could do anything for that love but she could not tell her. She could never tell her what she wants and what she expects from her.

When she saw the mothers at her school feeding their children, when they speak so affectionately, when they hug & kiss their daughters and sons, she longed for someone to hug her with love, she had never been cuddled, hugged or kissed with love, she always wants to go home and run to her mother and give her a hug and smell the love of mother. She will look forward when her mom calls her name that she would say “love u Lia” she would wait to tell her “I love u too mama” but that never happened. She had never heard stories from her mother, all she heard is don’t do this, don’t do that. When she does something silly, her mom used to say ‘u better start behave like matured, don’t be so irresponsible’ but when she is intellectual she is been asked to ‘behave like a kid don’t act over smart’. Poor girl used to cry all night in the dark. She had never been close to her mom, they never had mom and daughter relationship, she never once been tucked in bed, never been told any bedtime stories, never been kissed goodnight. This little girl prayed for miracles to happen. She prayed every night that her mother would love her in the morning whereas every morning her dream has been electrified by her moms yelling until she wakes up and go to school.

She had become more and more depressed, once a topper in class is now hardly able to concentrate on her classes; as a result she has lost her grades and beaten up badly for that too. She always dreams for magic. She wanted the love, she wanted to play with her mother, laugh with her, eat and sleep with her. She is lost in thoughts on how to get that love from her mother. She keeps dreaming about winning her mom’s heart. But she couldn’t do anything. One day her mom had beaten her badly and she had gone out. Lia sat in the house crying forever till her tears completely drained. She then thought she can’t take it anymore so she decided to leave the house. To go somewhere, may be to a childcare home where at least she can be taken care of by the caretakers. She might get adopted by the parents who don’t have children, who would love her more than anything in this world. She thought someone must be waiting for her just like she is waiting for someone to be loved. She took money from her piggy bank, all her pocket money which she had saved. She is not sure whether this is enough.

She left the house from the back gate thinking if she goes by the front door somebody might see her or even her mom might return home in that way. So she walked out through the small dirty road and took the main road with only a purse full of coins. She is walking fast to reach the bus stand. She remembers her mom took her once to some place by train. So she needs to take a bus to the Train station. She is taking a detour to the bus stop not to be caught, walking running and walking simultaneously without knowing what she is heading to, what she would be doing, where she will go, she reached the bus stop. There were no buses so she stood next to few school kids so that nobody would notice her in the group. The bus came and she rushed to get in, but it seemed so crowded to get in. By that time, she saw her mother getting down from the bus her heart stopped beating. She was stunned and shaken. Suddenly she ran off before her mom sees her. Luckily her mom didn’t notice Lia in the crowd; she got down and started walking home. By this time the bus had left.

Lia just peeps from behind the wall and she doesn’t know what to do. She is so scared now, Bus is also gone, she stares at the bus till it turns left and disappeared. Now what? She has to reach home before her mother reaches home. She started running in the same direction she came in. She is not walking now she is running as fast as she can, just didn’t bother to say sorry to those she banged in the crowded streets. She entered the backyard, she dint know whether her mom reached home. She checks the front gate, it’s closed and there were no shoes of her mother. She took her book and started writing her homework when her mom opened the gate. Lia’s heart is beating so fast, did she notice her in the bus stop? Or maybe she didn’t. Her mom looked at her and asked y u look awful? what happened to you? Lia says eh..nothing mom, I’m having stomach pain. She said nothing doing finish your homework and go to bed.

Lia sat there writing something she doesn’t know what it is. Her tears smudging her hand writing. She doesn’t know what to do. She prays to god asking him to do something. She wanted to be loved by her mother, her classmates, her teachers, her neighbors and rest of the world too.. She didn’t see any changes in her life; she is losing hope on god too. She thought even the god doesn’t love her anymore. She doesn’t want to live like this; she wished for chronic illness where she knows she is going to be dead. Atleast then her mother will love her, everybody will love her, she would be well taken care of and she will get all the attention and affection. Poor girl doesn’t know the difference between love and affection. Lia made herself a promise that she will share the love she had not been gifted with. She can still teach the world how they should all be loved.

                                                             *

Lia’s thoughts were disturbed by the sound of the ring; she ignored it since it’s not for her. She doesn’t have anyone calling for her.  Amy heard the phone ringing somewhere, its ringing continuously, its somewhere near her and it’s her phone.  She looks at the phone she is in no mood for any conversation now. Christy looks at the unknown number calling; she looks at the traffic, she’s hoping it’s a call from the client office to say the meeting is called off. Doubt she could make it there within 30 minutes. She answers the phone.

The voice on the other end says : “ Hello! Good morning, Am I speaking to Miss. Amylia Christy?”

Christy  : Yes! you are..

Caller     : I am calling on behalf of….

~ Mitha..

© Copyright 2011 Mitha’s All rights reserved.

"A walk to remember..."

We pulled in front of the gate thinking, do i really need to do this? Or just go back? A voice inside me cries out to do it. A voice from the vehicle says make it quick, will wait around the corner. I promised will not take longer.

I am passing by the huge security gate, hoping not to be stopped by any of them. I have no clue what will i say if he asks me where am I heading? I fixed my eyes on the ground, not planning to look at anyone. Not giving the opportunity to be noticed, i reached for my pocket, pulled out my mobile and started dialing. Whom should i call? I really don’t want to talk to anybody now. So I called the familiar no, listening to the recorded voice 'the number you are trying to reach is temporarily not in use' which am used to hearing for months now. I kept calling till I crossed the gates and entered into one of the very famous and busy medical university in the city.


Lot of people walking here and there, out patients, visitors walking in and out, doctors walking with their coats on, they are the god & goddesses of this world. Everybody respects them, trust them, get inspired by them, inspite of their age, everyone look upto them for miracles, surrendering their life in the hands of white dressed angels with the stethoscope! The stone benches are all filled with people waiting outside, sitting under the shadows of huge trees eating their packed food, taking a little nap till their visiting time comes, few are deep in their prayer in temple for saving the life of their loved ones. Green uniformed men and women are everywhere cleaning, taking breaks, chatting. On the right is the parking area, hospital buildings, emergency wards, maternity ward, canteen etc..


I quickly turned left hoping not to be seen by any of the green uniform men or the security. There are no trace of people on this side. Now am moving in fast phase not to be chased by anybody. I turn swiftly to see if am being followed and then felt relaxed as nobody was yelling or running with the stick behind me. Its calm and green with nice landscaping, this place is beautiful. I don’t see any unhappy or worried faces here. May be this is very reason why i hated hospitals, i hate the smell of medicines, smell of phenol, smell of death & pain and hate those boring long worried faces, those colorless walls, even a friend or visitors walking in gets infected with the mood. No one smiles except when a new baby is born in the maternity ward or unless you tip the ward boy/attendant generously.


I wish they change this atmosphere. They can paint each n every room colorfully. They can even arrange some fresh flowers next to each bed which will bring some sense of hope for seeing another beautiful day. They can have some soothing music, a nice paintings of a young upcoming artists or even when doctors, nurses, family or friends walks in can smile at them or do talk to them cheerfully can do wonders to the patients instead of starring at those depressing faded walls or the grumpy faced nurses or the weeping member of the family. Few patients spend their last few days of life in here with the pain of disease and the fear of death, which can be spent colorfully without being reminded again & again about the end of his life. The irony is, a man is running around struggling all his life for a happy and good living, isn’t it fair we give him a nice goodbye? Everybody deserves it.


I keep my thoughts running while am walking. Now i see it. I can see that from here. I suddenly feel the heaviness in my heart, eyes are getting clouded, i slowed down finding difficult to move now, all of a sudden my weight is increased and my legs are not able to carry me. But am slowly dragging myself towards the building like i had been pulled by the magnetic force.


Now i see a long corridor connecting the three huge auditoriums. I remember the first time i walked in here on a cool winter day, when i was eighteen. This entire place was decorated so warmly, colorfully with lots of banners, lots n lots of peoples. When i walked in here i had no clue about the destiny n stuff. I was just like every other teenager, living a carefree life, having fun, friends, and college. Had no serious plans about future, enjoyed every day like it’s the last day. Never had any goals nor focused on anything. I always wanted to do this, do that & do so many things on impulse. I'm a dreamer, a big time. I always have dreams, I used to get all sorts of fantasy dreams, magical dreams, i wished for that magical lamp or wands, which can be used for anything and everything, also power of being invisible, to be in many places at the same time, travel across the world free without wings, fighting all the evils. I know i know, nobody is gonna believe its my idea that was stolen by J.K. Rowling for creating that super character. Never mind am not gonna sue her for royalty. I must admit she executed it so well thou.


I wouldn't say i had an exciting life but not a worried life also. Just had a normal life. A well balanced one. I was independent, strong, with lot of curiosity, an urge to learn new things also to try different things. Earned trust among people for being straight and open with them. Anything i do, however complicated it might be, I wanted to do it in my unique way. A true Aquarian!
But that’s not the same girl walking here after 8 years. She doesn’t exist in me anymore. Now i have been possessed by a ruthless evil ghost.


I step into the left end of the corridor. Standing there, looking at it, am hit by sudden strike of unbearable pain inside me. Tears started flowing like a stream, my body is shaking, legs are giving up, am not able to stand now. I reached to the 3” ft parapet wall slowly balancing myself sat on that wall leaning to a pillar on my right facing the closed door of one of the three auditoriums.
This place was once busy, fully carpeted corridor filled with peoples from across the country. They were all seemed busy meeting exchanging the cards with the fellow physicians, surgeons, veterans sharing their knowledge and expertise.
So many stalls spread across, fighting with competitions to market their own products. I was amazed by all of it. Though i don’t belong to this world i enjoyed the atmosphere without knowing that this is the beginning of the road to the so called destiny. There was no sign of how important this day of life is going to be. I din feel any sense of overwhelming or warning.


It all started here, I had these butterflies dancing in my stomach. I see a man in a brown suite, lemony yellow shirt with a funny printed tie walking towards this side passing me with a smile. I met him this morning. Something with him, i don’t know what it is. He had this guy next door looks with a good humor and wits, and a fun going. I have to work with him for the next 4 days of this project. I felt comfortable with him the second day, more on third and fourth day. Still there is something wrong. Every time i see him, i have this butterfly feeling in my stomach which I don’t like.


That continued over days, and days passed by, whenever he is around the day has a star in my diary. It become so evident that stars are increasing and i enjoyed that day. This had grown over the years passed, we became so important to each other, also dependent on each other. Its turned out to be the world for two then U & I never existed. We are part of each other and for each other. Life is now filled with stars everyday. So many dreams, wishes, hopes, understanding, so much of love and fun. I forgot to worry or feel sad, always felt so secured; he is always there for me even before i ask. No one understood me like he did, I never had to say it to express it. Being loved is an amazing feeling on earth. I felt that myself for the first time ever in my life.


Life was at its best, so promising and full of excitement, a complete bliss. I woke up each morning looking forward to see him, to hear from him. I wished the nights to be short coz that’s when i don’t see him or talk to him. I wanted the days to be long and the road to be long. I insist to take a longer route instead of short to spend some more time with him. I hated going back home every time, he says its going to be a matter of time till we see again but that matter of time turns out to be ages for me without him. I kept thinking about all the sweetest thing that happened that day till i reach two blocks away from my home, there starts the panic i quickly think about all the possible excuses on earth to give for coming home late. I used to smile in the dark when i relive every second of the day I spent with him. Everything looks beautiful, everyday is happy day. I thanked god for this gift but he thought I had it enough. He was too busy to listen to my complete prayer where second part “..I wanted this life forever n more”. So suddenly everything was taken away from me.


I looked at the corridor, i see myself, am standing there with all my friends laughing, i see him there and his smile, am smiling at the thought of it. It’s so real i hear all voices, smiles, i smell the fragrance of the day, its fresh and real. Reality is sitting alone in the calm deserted corridor; sometimes even calmness is also scary. This place is very much associated with my life. Once an interesting and busy place, with lots of people and fun is now an empty skeleton structure standing without any life. Just like my life, so lonely and lifeless.


How i wish, u are also sitting here on the other end of the same corridor feeling what am feeling, seeing what i am seeing.
How i wish! I could go back to the very day I met u and relive those days again.
How I wish I could correct all those mistakes, those time I wasted on the stupid silly fights, those feelings I kept to myself without telling u how much I love u, how much I missed u, how lucky I am or how much u make me feel happy!
I wish this is all a dream. I wish, I wake up to call u and tell u what a horrible dream it was and I want to hear you comforting me. I will give all my life just to hear that voice now. I wish u are here to say its just a bad dream and am right here with you and will never ever leave u alone in my life..
After every silly fight, u always come back and talk to me like nothing ever happened, why don’t u just comeback now when I needed you the most. I am scared, am lonely, and am so petrified about everything. I run away from everything and everybody. Whenever am angry u always tries to do all sorts of funny things to make me smile, I forgot to smile or laugh these days. You have taken everything along with u. You have taken away my life, my happiness, dreams and my love. Whenever I used to think of u, I smile, but now every thought of u is bringing tears in my eyes and pain in my heart.


I miss u when something really good happens; coz u are the one I want to share it with. I miss u when something troubling me; coz u are the one who understands me well, I miss you when I smile or cry; coz u are the only one makes my smiles into laughter and dry my tears, I miss u almost all the time when I see anything and everything, I miss u the most when am awake without sleep in the night and think of all the wonderful times we spent together.
Everybody says time will heal all the wounds but it only proved me how much I am missing you every day. I miss the feeling of being loved and knowing no matter someone is there for me to talk to about anything, still I want that someone to be you. I so hate to live this life without you being around. I am so not able to bare this pain. I just want to cry out loud and scream my lungs out. Unable to sit there any longer, am so suffocating and my heart is frozen. I got up before it kills me here right at this moment. I wiped my tears I slowly composed myself and headed back afraid to turn back for one last sight coz I know that is going to collapse me.


Slowly walking back in silence with the heavily wounded heart, this time without any thoughts or any sense of surroundings, crossing the gate with the highly infected long worried boring unhappy face…

~ Mitha..

© Copyright 2011 Mitha’s All rights reserved.